Two weeks ago a huge weight was lifted from my heart; I finally left a job that I hated.
It was a disaster for me from the start.
The manager left 2 weeks after I started. It was a new trust and a new position for me; yes I’d had a supernumerary period, but no one was there to guide me. I asked people’s feedback and definitely trusted the wrong people – which further led to a downward spiral.
The spiral down in my general self-esteem and ability as a nurse was rapid. I was crying every morning in the car on my commute, leaving until the last possible minute to leave my car.
I’m a quirky person, I definitely won’t deny that but I never expected, as an adult, to be ostracised and belittled in a room full of people.
A very senior nurse even approached me to see if I knew the process to report bullying because she and her team had noticed.
I went through 8 managers in approximately 10 months until the permanent one started. During this time we were tagged on to various managers roles, and one saw my struggle.
She was great. She made time to have weekly check-ins with me and worked on building up my resilience. The biggest thing I took from spending time with her was that:
I had to look for the good in every day
I had to say three good things about every shift. It was very difficult in the beginning but I started to see glimmers. But, she was on a secondment and when that ended she returned to her own trust.
The permanent manager started and I burst out crying (I’ve never cried so much in a job) and told her everything she asked me to give her 6 months.
I was done.
I couldn’t work another day without knowing I was doing something to change my situation. It was on me – no one was going to improve this for me.
Thankfully I was successful in getting a new position, but being the NHS it still takes forever to actually get into a new position.
Things definitely improved with the new management and towards the end, it was difficult to tell if I was happier because I knew I was out of there or the place improved so much. I truly wish my old team well and I think the new management will improve and strive for the best.
That job was 100% not for me, and that is ok. Nursing is so huge and varied.
I learned so much about hospital management and running that I can apply it to any position I go into in the future, and it’s made me a better nurse.
I learnt about myself too; I am not as resilient as I thought I was, I need guidance and feedback to know that I’m on track and that I thrive best in an environment with respect and education.
As I start a new trust tomorrow and approach a job where I will be in charge of a team of people I know without fail my experiences in my previous job – the good and the bad – will help me guide them. My experience with hospital management and running will help me be the best nurse I can be to lead those shifts and navigate the bullshit from above.
I have confidence in me!